An Open Letter to the lady at the grocery store:

Yes. I did tell my 21 month old daughter that she has to wait until she is twelve to buy cigarettes. But I promise I will be really mad at her if she buys any smokes before she is 17, like the rest of us did.

Besides that, I only said it to see if I could get a reaction out of you. And the way you blurted out "Oh my god, what did he just tell that baby..." was exactly what I wanted to hear.

Thanks for following us around the grocery store. I still don't know if you were checking up on me or stalking me because I looked so fantastic in my 8 year old jeans and Birkenstocks with socks. Whatever your reasons, It was nice to know that wherever we went this morning, there you were, too. And your little side comments about the way the kids were acting and the things we bought? I enjoyed them very much.

Yes. The kids were acting like animals. It is called pretend play. They were pretending to pirates and baby jaguars. Kind of like when you pretend to be a nice human. And yes, kids are loud and messy. Especially two at a time. Which is almost exactly how I imagine you at dinner time.

And the beer aisle? Yes, I took my children down the beer aisle. Twice. The second time was only because you looked so disgusted the first time. But you'll be happy to know that I could not find what I was looking for, so the kids will be alcohol free at lunch. Unless I dig to back of the fridge. Then I might find some beers I hid the last time Sis came to visit.

If I do find any booze in the house, I'll let you know. You can come over and monitor meal time, too. Besides, you need a stiff drink to lighten up, lady.

Creepy lady, the next time you see us at the grocery store, just walk away. Or I might have to take you out with my racecar basket full of screaming baby jaguars and pirates.